Sebastien Wilcox

My 1 year-old daughter Zoe wants to be a B movie star. Yep, that’s B as in bad. As in not good. If that wasn’t terrible enough, she wants to focus her attention on slasher films, which is definitely bad, not good and terrible.

When I see Zoe, be it first thing in the morning or when I get home from work, she always runs away screaming. I say I’m gonna get you and usually I repeat the word you you you you a handful of times, echo-like, and, being the little actress that she is, she yells back noooooooooooooooo and runs away, usually tripping on a toy for added Oscar worth.

She can run but she can’t hide, I think to myself. But boy can she act.

The other night I was going through my hockey bag and found my old road hockey goalie mask. I put it on and it still fit after all these years. Actually it fit like a glove. But it wasn’t a glove. You don’t wear gloves on your face. So, I decided to leave the comfortable mask on. Then, I had the sudden craving for watermelon. Luckily, and conveniently enough for this story, there was a big ripe one on the kitchen counter. I took the biggest knife I could find and sliced the watermelon in half. Watermelon juice sprayed everywhere and everything and everyone, including myself and little Zoe. She was covered from head to toe in the red stuff.

Noooooooooooooo she screamed as she ran towards the front door, which the wind had aggressively opened. Come back here I screamed, running after her with my big knife in hand, watermelon juice dripping off my goalie mask. Noooooooooooo Zoe screamed as she made her way outside in the pouring rain. I walked confidently after her, but without warning, a cat I wasn’t aware we owned jumped on me from out of nowhere and knocked me to the ground, sending my knife flying and landing – and by landing, I mean stabbing the picture of Zoe on the family wall.

Good thing I don’t believe in foreshadowing.

I got up and continued my confident walk outside after Zoe. I couldn’t see her anywhere so I decided to pull a fast one on her. Zooooooooe I yelled. Nooooooooooooooooo I heard back, coming from behind the big tree on our lawn. Ha-ha I thought, I outsmarted her I thought, and before I could reach the tree, there was a big thunderous roar and then a flash of lightning. Then I saw a big branch coming towards my head.

I don’t remember anything else. That’s what happens when you black out. That’s all I can tell you. As for Zoe chasing her dream, again, I have no clue. Sorry. Hey, what is this computer keyboard doing underneath my hands?

The moral of this post? Street hockey masks from the 70s aren’t very protective.